Well, I was driving home from school today listening to the Romeo and Juliet soundtrack CD that was in my car (Yes, Eileen it's yours! I'll give it back to you soon;) and felt an instant disconnect from my present life. It totally shot me back to my time as a teenager, when I had first listened to this CD. The younger Gairyn's feelings of insecurity, chaos, and lack of control that I felt at that time, quickly flooded my mind. Followed by the memory of feelings of hope for what my future life would be and the GREAT things I would be able to accomplish once I WAS IN CONTROL of MY OWN LIFE!
There are periods of my life where I distinctly remember feeling very hollow and all alone. As I think back, I don't really have many happy memories during those periods. I may have a couple key moments that stick out, but not really any sincerely sweet tender memories. I just see myself and have flashbacks of things I did, but no warm, comforting feelings are connected. Just feeling blank, or slightly odd. I remember learning at school and going to church but, feeling like an outsider, observing human behavior, but never really feeling included or that I could or wanted to participate. My younger days were not always like this. Like I said before there were periods lasting anywhere to 2 months - 1 year at a time. I refer to them as my "Dark Ages".
Do you remember that hope? I remember it! As a child, teenager, Young Adult I was able to get myself out of difficult times by hoping for a better future! Imagining all of the endless pleasant possibilities. DREAMING of life in the lime light! OR dreaming of the simple life! Dreaming. Always, dreaming and hoping for happier and sunnier times! In between the planning and daydreaming, I enjoyed life and prepared for my future accordingly. And life, although not always happy, was DEFINITELY ALWAYS EXCITING!! I was EXCITED for the world to be my oyster. And I could NOT wait for my future to begin!
Now, here, in my future it IS happier and sunnier than my youth in many ways, yet I find that I have times in my life where I space out, disconnect, and am not at all present with those around me. Like I am an observer, again. I know I should be more present with my girls and that every embrace should have happiness and warmth attached to it. But, today I felt like a steely, cold, emotionless robot. Going through the traditional motions yet not feeling any warm connections. Always analyzing/critiquing every situation, either in my head or out loud. Trying to stay patient and awake was even a chore. Wanting to share my day, and asking my family about theirs, but zoning out even before they could begin answer. Getting into my own thoughts of what needed to be done before going to bed. I have done most everything that I had planned to do, chore wise. But as I lay my head on my pillow to begin to relax for a good night's sleep, all I could feel was emptiness and loneliness. Yesterday was a good day. Why was today so different? Why so empty when there are so many blessings abundantly around me?
So here I am, sharing these feelings and thoughts with you all in my Not-So-Secret-Journal-Entry. I feel better for getting these feelings off of my chest. And I see that my life is still filled with so many chores, that I am starting to bore, even myself. I should really try to go out to dance, karaoke, play volleyball or something that's fun, to avoid from feeling like this.
Now, the problem is trying to fit that in to an already tight schedule! Thinking about that exhausts me. I'll try to wrap my head around that tomorrow. If I get the chance...ugh...I hate day light savings when we lose an hour :( I STILL haven't recovered from it.