Running on Empty

Do you ever feel empty and all alone? Like, life is going on all around you and somehow you can't really feel the happy emotions that you used to come so easily. The satisfying and wonderful feeling of warmth, love, and most of all feeling truly present and enjoying the simple joys of life. Well today, I felt empty. Like a robot. Being so responsible sometimes tends to do that to me. I am so worried about making sure things are getting done and moving along that I forget to just relax, and enjoy life. It's something that I have been dealing with all of my life.

Well, I was driving home from school today listening to the Romeo and Juliet soundtrack CD that was in my car (Yes, Eileen it's yours! I'll give it back to you soon;) and felt an instant disconnect from my present life. It totally shot me back to my time as a teenager, when I had first listened to this CD. The younger Gairyn's feelings of insecurity, chaos, and lack of control that I felt at that time, quickly flooded my mind. Followed by the memory of feelings of hope for what my future life would be and the GREAT things I would be able to accomplish once I WAS IN CONTROL of MY OWN LIFE!

There are periods of my life where I distinctly remember feeling very hollow and all alone. As I think back, I don't really have many happy memories during those periods. I may have a couple key moments that stick out, but not really any sincerely sweet tender memories. I just see myself and have flashbacks of things I did, but no warm, comforting feelings are connected. Just feeling blank, or slightly odd. I remember learning at school and going to church but, feeling like an outsider, observing human behavior, but never really feeling included or that I could or wanted to participate. My younger days were not always like this. Like I said before there were periods lasting anywhere to 2 months - 1 year at a time. I refer to them as my "Dark Ages".

Do you remember that hope? I remember it! As a child, teenager, Young Adult I was able to get myself out of difficult times by hoping for a better future! Imagining all of the endless pleasant possibilities. DREAMING of life in the lime light! OR dreaming of the simple life! Dreaming. Always, dreaming and hoping for happier and sunnier times! In between the planning and daydreaming, I enjoyed life and prepared for my future accordingly. And life, although not always happy, was DEFINITELY ALWAYS EXCITING!! I was EXCITED for the world to be my oyster. And I could NOT wait for my future to begin!

Now, here, in my future it IS happier and sunnier than my youth in many ways, yet I find that I have times in my life where I space out, disconnect, and am not at all present with those around me. Like I am an observer, again. I know I should be more present with my girls and that every embrace should have happiness and warmth attached to it. But, today I felt like a steely, cold, emotionless robot. Going through the traditional motions yet not feeling any warm connections. Always analyzing/critiquing every situation, either in my head or out loud. Trying to stay patient and awake was even a chore. Wanting to share my day, and asking my family about theirs, but zoning out even before they could begin answer. Getting into my own thoughts of what needed to be done before going to bed. I have done most everything that I had planned to do, chore wise. But as I lay my head on my pillow to begin to relax for a good night's sleep, all I could feel was emptiness and loneliness. Yesterday was a good day. Why was today so different? Why so empty when there are so many blessings abundantly around me?

So here I am, sharing these feelings and thoughts with you all in my Not-So-Secret-Journal-Entry. I feel better for getting these feelings off of my chest. And I see that my life is still filled with so many chores, that I am starting to bore, even myself. I should really try to go out to dance, karaoke, play volleyball or something that's fun, to avoid from feeling like this.

Now, the problem is trying to fit that in to an already tight schedule! Thinking about that exhausts me. I'll try to wrap my head around that tomorrow. If I get the chance...ugh...I hate day light savings when we lose an hour :( I STILL haven't recovered from it.

TIME FLIES by SOO FAST!

My baby girls!! They grow too FAST!

TODAY, I started in the 2nd phase of my Hair School Program!! YAY!! I AM SO EXCITED!! Only 2 more to go! (Phase 2 and then FINAL PHASE!) I know that this doesn't mean much to anyone reading this...but I AM SO EXCITED!! I can see the END of this LONG, HAIR RIDDEN TUNNEL!

I so hope, and pray everyday, that I still want to be a Hair Stylist by the end of my school hours! All 2000 of them! YIKES! Also, that I my body keeps up with the demands of such a profession. We'll see won't we!:) My goal is to graduate, become licensed, and have a place to work before my 30th birthday in December! So far, I'm on track to have 2 of the 3:) I just have to figure out where I want to work, and if I want to be full-time or part-time.

So many events to look forward to this year! MY NEW LITTLE NEICE at the beginning of JUNE!*Excited Squeal* Aurora's 6th Birthday Party!:) *FUN*~4th of JULY FAMILY GATHERING! *YAY!* Caydi's BAPTISM!! *REALLY? SO SOON?* My Grad/License in Cosmetology. *SIGH* MY BIG 3-0! *GASP* And Christmas in NEW ZEALAND!! *ROCKING and ROLLING*

And that's not even counting all the things to look forward to in 2011!!

HIP, HIP, HOORAY, for FUN things to LOOK FORWARD to!!

I LOVE That you LOVE my MUSIC MIX!!!

Thanks everyone for your comments and actually reading my blog!! It's SO nice to hear people's opinions thoughts and all of that fun stuff!! Thanks for liking my mix of songs Morgan and Jolyn!!

Well, my Sister Morgan requested that I write more...so here it goes...MY thoughts on my MIX!!

As the songs are playing I'm going to comment on them...why I chose them, what they remind me of and yeah, that kind of stuff...

THE CRYSTALS - AND THEN HE KISSED ME

Adventures in Babysitting introduced me to this classic!! And I LOVED the MOVIE as a kid! This song is such a fun tune and is a loose sketch of what happened with me and Joseph. Except he didn't kiss me after he walked me home:) VERY LOOSE ;) And OF COURSE, I dance around and lip sync ALL OF THE TIME when getting ready EVERYDAY! hahaha...ok...not EVERYDAY.

COLOR ME BADD - ALL FOR LOVE

This is my jam from back in 1991!!! Mom and Dad left for NZ for the first time for a visit (Koro's unveiling) and we kids spent it with the family in California. Mainly Uncle Ominae and Aunt Margie. This song (as well as Prince's - Diamonds and Pearls) remind me of all the fun times with them in the Sherman Oaks area. Watching Hook at the dome theatre, eating YUMMY cookies around the corner from that in West-something?, crazy competitive monopoly games, and just thinking that L.A. was so the place to live!! I LOVED the energy of the CITY!! I was 10...what a dreamy age! :)

4PM -SUKIYAKI

This is a song I have loved because of the harmonies and the lyrics! I secretly wished that some guy felt like this towards me...and I mean a Cutie, NOT a Troll or SWEET SPIRIT. Yeah...I was barely in the 2 digits of age thinking this way, but yeah, it was a real cool daydream!

DES'REE- KISSING YOU

OH...Don't you just LOVE that you can watch this video clip of the MOVIE that ALL of us FELL IN LOVE WITH!! (Back when Leo was a freakin little hottie biscotti!) Anyway, this was a MUST HAVE because this movie Eileen and I watched and just became addicted to it! When I moved to New Zealand at the age of 16 I attended Church College of New Zealand. In the CCNZ dorms singing along to this I would think of how much I missed my sister that was back in Arizona, and all of the GREAT times we had being besties. And then, when I was done being sad about missing her and after I met and flirted a bit with Joseph I used to sing this song with Joseph in mind! All the while wishing I was kissing him! Hey, who says that wishes don't come true *wink* *wink*!

THE RONETTES - BE MY BABY

I always knew that this is how I would feel about my honey once I finally found him. And in his opinion, I was the one that was the hunter and he the prey. hahaha! I admit it, I made the advances to get the ball moving for our relationship. If left up to him, we'd never have gotten anywhere! :P

CRANBERRIES - WHEN YOU'RE GONE

I totally blasted this song after I left CCNZ the first time in 1998. I had just spent 10 weeks in 1 class with Joseph (although we didn't sit next to each other or even talk during class, just being in the same class was great for me;) and had gotten to know him just enough for me to really miss him when I was gone, back in Arizona. I really believe that it's the spirits inside us that recognizes our spouses, because, I knew at 16 that I was going to marry him, I just didn't know how that was going to happen, but I didn't worry about it. I felt such an intense draw to him. I just knew that he was it.

TINA ARENA & MARC ANTHONY - I WANT to SPEND MY LIFETIME LOVING YOU

This MOVIE ROCKED MY WORLD!! I wanted to be Elena and wanted to marry a ZORRO!! Well, at least he's Tall, Dark and Handsome, right? The title basically says it all. But it was the summer of 1998 that I bought this movie and would watch it every night to listen to the song at the end of it! And then would rewind the song and play it over and over again until I was sleepy! :) And YES...Joseph was the one in my MIND, the WHOLE time I would imagine spending my lifetime with someone:D

THE TOKENS - B'WANINA

Uncle Ominae gave me his Tokens CD when I was living in Imperial Beach, CA with Eileen when I was 19! It was a fun time for us, but also hard because I couldn't find a good job there to help with my end of the bills. But, this song reminds me of the good times we had together! We'd grab some chinese food and share a plate of food at I.B. Beach which was 13 blocks from our place! And of course, I was writing to Joseph snail mail letters while he was on his mission ;)

DORIS DAY - PERHAPS, PERHAPS, PERHAPS

THIS SONG NAILS the way JOSEPH was to ME!! Except that he just was so shy and didn't really talk much...just smiled sheepishly a LOT!! AHAHA...these LYRICS are EXACTLY how I FELT while DATING HIM!! Although, I loved this song WAY, WAY, WAAAYYYY before I even met HIM! Who would've known that this song was preparing me for my future relationship with my husband to be! WOW...that's FUNNY!!

GEORGIA GIBBS - KISS OF FIRE

Once AGAIN, EILEEN is responsible for this song! She had me listen to it once and I was hooked! I loved it so much that I lip-synced to it once as a young married with some of my sibs around! It was a impromptu lip-sync competition. That not an unusual thing for our family;) It's fun and inexpensive entertainment. Needless to say, my young, new husband wasn't used to this and was a bit embarrassed that I was singing this song to him! :D WELCOME TO THE FAMILY of ENTERTAINERS, JOSEPH!! Ah... Good TIMES!

NO DOUBT - SIMPLE KIND OF LIFE

THIS SONG is MY JAM!! I heard this song for the first time when I was a youth transitioning into a YSA. It was such a song that hit my heart strings deep! Not that I am or ever was a rock star like Gwen but I used to desperately hope that I would be able to enjoy a simple life. In my youth, we traveled A LOT and it wasn't very simple at all (as many people's lives aren't.) But, I even from a very young age I would look at people with simple sweet homes and imagine how lovely that would be. Now, living in my own SIMPLE KIND of LIFE, I don't have to imagine anymore, and it's just as beautiful and WAY MORE FUN than, I had ever EXPECTED!! :)

DEAN MARTIN - RETURN TO ME!

I Fell in LOVE with this song after watching and owning the Movie "Return to Me" with David Duchovny (SO HOT!) and Minnie Driver. The love story of that movie made me think of Joseph and I and how I would hope that in one way or another he'd be able to return to me or vice versa if there was ever an incident with either one of us :) And that we would love each other enough to want to do so ;)

ACROSS the UNIVERSE - IF I FELL

I loved this version of the Beatles hit! It was last year or 2008 summer that I watched this movie one very boring, chore-filled day. And it was an interesting movie, and I definitely found some new favorite covers of the Beatles classics! Her voice is so sweet and sincere, trying to protect her heart from anymore aches.

The HUSH SOUND - WINE RED

Eileen is always telling me about awesome artists and she was the one that got me hooked on this band and especially this song! I bumped this song all last summer and it reminds of starting Hair School! YEAH!

COLBY CALLAIT & JASON MRAZ - LUCKY

I heard this song for the first time on my cousin Lyndsey's mySpace page back in the day, and I LOVED IT!! This was before it was popular like it is now. This song speaks to me as I feel that I am really lucky to be in love with Joseph! He didn't start off as my best friend, but we have been able to gain that status after 8 years of marriage! :) LUCKY...for us! :) haha! Such a sweet little duet! :) LOVE IT!

ONCE - FALLING SLOWLY

This is a song that Joseph introduced to me after he fell in LOVE with the movie!! Ok...maybe not in LOVE but he REALLY LIKED it! :) One day I hope to hear Joseph sing this with me! Him on the guitar singing lead and me backing him up! If only he felt more comfortable with his singing talent!! Ah...one can wish and hope, right?

GLEE BALLADS - ENDLESS LOVE

Joseph and I are hooked on the this little show!:) Since, the first sneak peek last fall we've loved it! And THIS SONG just EPITOMIZES WHY! This makes me laugh EVERY time I watch/hear it! I love the writers for the show, and the actors are GREAT! Mr. Shue's reaction and facials during the song are HILARIOUS!! Can't wait for it to come back in APRIL!! YAY!!

NICOLE KIDMAN & ROBBIE WILLIAMS - SOMETHING STUPID

This song is a sweet duet that my 2nd parents as a teenager, the Cox's (Joyce and Leigh) used to sing when we had family talent/sing-along with them (Casey's and the Cox's)! I loved it then and still love it NOW!! I hope to one day to be able to do a really AWESOME ballroom dance with Joseph to this jazzy little ditty! And maybe even Karaoke it with him! :)

ALISON KRAUSS - WHEN YOU SAY NOTHING AT ALL

I was at Eastern Arizona College with my BF at the time Katie Cox, when this song made an impression in my life. I was in a smaller country town than I had grown up in, and there was a TON of COUNTRY music and dancing. So, this song grew on me! I love the lyrics in this one. Ever since I was a little girl I have gotten into moods and the thing that would always cheer me up as a young girl was my Dad's hug! No matter what, and now that I have grown up something's are still the same, except it's no longer my Dad's hugs, but Joseph's hugs that help me get out of my moods a bit faster! I LOVE CUDDLES and HUGS!!

GLEE - SMILE

I didn't know until later that this was Charlie Chapman's song, and that Michael Jackson loved this song. I LOVE this song because when my friend NAKI passed away in Oct of last year, I found it very difficult to be happy. I was fearful of the future, sobbing at every tender and happy moment I would have with my family, wondering how many more I had with them. My heart was aching constantly for his family that he left behind. I just couldn't shake the cloud of sadness that had come over me. I couldn't get off the emotional rollercoaster I was on. This song helped me realize, that although it's really hard to SMILE with a heavy heart, that I needed to practice so that my life wouldn't be consumed with fear and sadness. And yes, I cried about the first 20 times I listened to this song. But slowly, its message penetrated my heart and I was able to see and feel a bit happier! That followed up with the WONDERFUL 2 month visit with my In-laws (Donna and Ivor) helped me get out of the darkness I hadn't realized surrounded me. I HAVE THE BEST IN-LAWS!! How did I get so LUCKY??

ANYWAY...here you go MORGAN!! It took me and HOUR + to type this post for you! Hope you like it!! A little background of why these songs are on my playlist!

ENJOY LISTENING to G-GROOVEs on 95.5 KYOT SMOOTH JAZZ! ;)

Why am I not DANCING???

That's the question I have been asking myself for a LONG while NOW!!

Why don't I dance like I used to?

Where's the time that I used to have to let loose, and just let the music move me?

When did my body get so TIRED!?

Will my husband take me to Ballroom dance classes again?

I have noticed that in being a "responsible" adult I have irresponsibly let go of some things that I need to help me cope with life. My default rituals I had set-up to help me feel happy and FREE! (Notice how I didn't say Young. I did that deliberately to let you all know that its the sense of FREE SPIRITEDNESS that I miss the most about my youth, and that's about it!) I love, Love, LOVE being an adult in every other way. But I the more"TO DO'S" that consume my life the less time I have for my de-stressing rituals (singing, dancing, playing sports, & writing in my journal). *THANK GOODNESS I had these rituals in my youth, or else my daughter Caydi might be 14 right now, instead of 7 ;) I'm just saying!*

I REALLY MISS & really enjoy these different sanity hobbies, and feel that now in my life they are more important than EVER!! I think that all 2 of us, (So far that's me and you, Eileen Sis:) need to try to reconnect with one of those FREEDOM RITUALS that help us recapture a bit of ourselves that made us feel happy and free! What do you say to my challenge? LET's MAKE 2010 a year to amalgamate the BEST of our YOUTHFUL selves with the BEST of our MODERN selves to make the BEST of OURSELVES that we can BE!! And I am starting by getting back into DANCING!!

Ok...here we GOOOOOOOOO!!!!

HELLO ALL OF MY MANY FANS and FOLLOWERS!!

(Thanks Sisters for being the first to join my following! You all ROCK!:)

I have FINALLY gotten HIP to this WHOLE BLOGGERSPERE thing-a-ma-bob! & I think that I'm going to like typing down my thoughts and having others read them with my KNOWLEDGE (*cough* Eileen, *cough* Ana - yeah, you've both admitted to reading my journals when we were young! All I can say is that was so BORING reading for you 2~). I know that I am going to LOVE hearing your comments on my posts!!

Anyways, to start this thing off right...I started a liver cleanse today, and yeah...it gave me some WICKED CRAMPS!! It was ridiculous!! I think I might be allergic to Aloe Vera? I don't know how to prove that theory, so until I can, I'll keep on trying it. It's a crazy green drink that makes feel like I am drinking straight grass (that'd be the chlorophyl) and it makes me feel like a cow! MoooOOOOOOOoooo!

I feel a little crabby today! :( Hopefully, I'll get better tomorrow!

OH! Gotta go for now! Husbands up from working and probably expects to see some efforts towards dinner! The one night I volunteer to cook! OOPS!! Had to set up the BLOG first!! HAHAHAHA!!!