Considering changing settings to private...

So, once I figure out how to do that I am totally going to!! Just a heads up to anyone who'd like to still be my blogspot friend:)

Mud between my toes!!

Wow!! It has been SUCH a LONG time since I remember running in the rain and giggling about it. And an even LONGER time since I did it barefoot!!

At first I cringed at the thought of leaving the not-as-dirty-concrete driveway to the muddy side lawn to check if my south side gate was unlocked. And maybe I did cringe a little more when I took my first step in the freshly made mud from today's rain. But I felt that my feet really appreciated the soft squish, and smooth textured hug the mud gave them (especially my toes!)

I realized something about my adult self today. I realized that I do NOT have as much fun as when I was a kid! I mean, a simple thing of mud in my toes, helped me see that I have been trying to entertain myself as a grown up with a lot of BORING things! TV...Movies...FB...etc. And stressful things!! Road trips, international trips, concerts...etc. Now, don't get me wrong, I still enjoy all of these activities very MUCH! I just have used them as my only sources of entertainment for so long, I forgot about the easier, more organic ways of enjoying life. Like RUNNING in the muddy grass during a summer's rain, with NO SHOES! Making MUDPIES and MUD FIGHTS! PUDDLE HOPPING!! (My kids LOVE IT!! I think next time I'll join them!) And the list goes on and on!!

It's funny how this blessing came to me today. I woke up this Monday morning on the grouchy side of the bed! I had stayed up WAY LONGER than I had anticipated to revamp my Blog (YES! I love it, TOO) and knew that only a THICK STACK of Time-Consuming chores were awaiting me. Mowing the lawns, laundry, bathing the dog (the brushing alone is a literal PAIN in MY NECK!) to name the BIG ones!! Each of those on their own takes at least 2 hours for me to complete. So, with little sleep and A LOT of responsibilities, I was GROUCHY!! But I am a pusher, so I PUSHED myself to mow the front lawn at 10am before the rain at 11am. The sky was spitting on me and my weed whacker battery died so I decided to take a break from that chore. Half done. Not too bad. OFF to tackle the chore of the bathing of the puppy!

Now Puppy's hair has grown LONG and she's shedding her winter coat:{ So, a day without a thorough brushing makes for a nice thin layer of matted hair by the time I give her the weekly bath. So, I was brushing away trying NOT to feel like Cinderella, when I realized that the rain on my window was actually a waterfall. CRAP!! The gutter was CLOGGED AGAIN!! I don't know what I was thinking but I managed to grab a coat from the coat closet and went outside to investigate and assess the situation. The waterfall window was making a nice little puddle inside my house. UGH! The door had just barely SHUT when I realized that I needed the ladder from the garage. I tried the front door handle and it was LOCKED!! Ok...no worries...I can just get into the garage and everything will be fine. Well, I don't know when, but I switched off my garage door and could not open it! I tried 3 times!!! Then, thought...it's OK...I'll check the gates and try to break into my house from the backyard! That's little more dignified than breaking in from the front for all of the world to see, right? Anyway, no go. Both were still locked! I started to stress out to the point of wanting to curse the rain and my stupidity, when a lovely thought rushed to mind. "THANK GOODNESS, KATRINA is 2 doors down!!" Followed up quickly with..."I SURE HOPE she's HOME!!" With that happy thought, I was able to let go of all of the stresses of the day and just laugh at my silliness. I smiled and giggled as I ran through the muddy grass to Katrina's House. I laughed at myself as I realized what a sight I'd be when Katrina would answer her door. I felt like and probably looked like a rain soaked dog looking for a nice warm home to dry in. LUCKILY, Katrina was HOME!! She was THE BEST NEIGHBOR! She let me use her phone to call for another key, asked me if I'd like a drink of Hot Cocoa, and sat with me for a little chat while I waited for Joseph to come home with his house key:) I totally disrupted her day and yet she was so gracious, helpful, kind, and just the perfect neighbor! And to top it all off she said that she appreciated the break from work. What an optimistic outlook!?! I LOVE IT and I LOVE HER!!

Mud between my toes, led me to my neighbor who helped me remember, the glass is half full!

Thank you rain! Thank you clogged gutter! Thank you mud between my toes! Thank you Katrina! Thank you Joseph! My grouchy day became so much better because you all were part of it!!

Funny enough, the forecast said it would rain more in the day, but it didn't. It rained just enough to wash away my stressed-out, bad attitude! Thank you Heavenly Father and Mother Nature;)

I love NATURE!! I loved being gently reminded to awaken the sleeping child inside of me!!

I LOVE MUD IN BETWEEN MY TOES!!

QUESTIONS... QUESTIONS... QUESTIONS...

I have been asked to question more in my life lately and not just take everything someone says as truth. It's been quite interesting being more inquisitive. I am realizing that I never asked the meaty or even simple questions before because I felt that I should have the knowledge already. That I should research and find it out for myself, to not bother others with my questions. To just get down to the root of it, it was my pride that never allowed me to ask. And what fuels pride in that context, but fear. My fear of exposing myself in a way that I felt would come off weak, lazy, uneducated, left out, ignorant, etc. No one taught me to think so negatively about questions. I came to that conclusion myself. So, now, I am going to change that negative recording in my head for something more positive. The really cool thing that I am noticing is that it takes a lot more courage to ask questions and be open to others about the fact that you don't understand or know like they know, than I had anticipated. But another really awesome thing I have been able to witness is that when I ask a question out loud, the answer comes to me much faster than I realized it ever would/could. A lot of the times the answer comes before I can finish physically saying my question. It's like an instant download. It doesn't always happen this way, but it has surprised me how fast and how often this actually does happen. And instead of getting all analytical about it and doubt it happening that way, I have been able to embrace and accept that lovely gift that has been given to me. Quite an unexpected and wonderful outcome from asking questions.

I have always considered myself a person who worked hard and never turned down a challenge. So, it never occurred to me until recently that in just believing most everything anyone says that I have been taking the easy road. Patience is not my strong suit, so if there was a faster, less painful way to do anything, you better believe I was taking notes on how to do things in life THAT way. Being brought up in a religion that so easily maps out a way of life for you so you can maintain a certain outlook and happiness in life, my life has been predominantly one way. I wasn't the rebel type and in fact just the opposite. I was always trying to keep myself and everything else in order. It never made sense in my head to question the plan of happiness. It's pretty much self explanatory. A PLAN to be and maintain HAPPINESS. What I am questioning and seeing now for the first time in my 30 years of being alive is...it is A (1) plan of happiness, but is it the ONLY plan to have/maintain happiness?? And what other plans of happiness to do others know about that I don't? I know I was given one flavor of ice cream and loved it for so long but I am now noticing that there are other flavors? Are they just as good? Or not? What do those ice cream flavors have in theirs that I don't have in mine? Can I mix the flavors to make my own/new flavor? And the questions just keep coming to mind like an ocean wave.

So, I am enjoying my journey of asking questions. The knowledge I receive from it is a bonus as well! It's more fun and surprisingly very liberating than I had ever imagined. I love to observe, so it's another way for me to observe my life! And my life is less stressful not holding onto all of these questions in my head!:)

Out of the loop!

WOW!!

I just found out that in trying to be in the know with my many, MANY family members (both blood and in-laws), keeping up with hair school requirements, keeping up the immediate family needs & wants, getting the girls ready for school, trying to find the EXACT color swatch of paint that I imagined in my head for my room, church, thank you notes, communicating with my very male and sometimes communication-challenged spouse, trying to hold onto my sanity during this all and NOT get sick or run-down, I have NOT been privy to SO MUCH of the happenings of my own ward family!! I feel like my youngest sibling, who ALWAYS felt like she was the VERY LAST to hear any kind of news, good or bad.

Not to mention that there have been various people in the ward who've asked me if my family's moving to New Zealand for 3-6 months over the winter season. I had NO IDEA that our little family could get such attention as such. Just to clarify for anyone who's heard that we are, we aren't going to NZ for that amount of time. I really do appreciate those that have come to me and have asked me personally to clarify, or verify this story. I am not easily offended (most of the time;) and will gladly let anyone know what we're up to:)

So NOT only have I been out of the loop of the happenings in my ward, some people have been out of the loop of the correct happenings of my family's life. IRONIC, huh? I hope that after I graduate from Hair School I will be able to have more time to be IN the LOOP with that area of my LIFE:)

For now, I will just have to be content with NOT being in that loop for now. Someday soon, hopefully. We'll see.

Just know that you all who are suffering from a loss one way or another, that you are in my prayers. I pray that you receive and let in the abundant comfort and love that is so readily waiting to surround you in warmth and peace of the purest love that our mortal minds can imagine, and more. That purest and all encompassing love that those who have passed to other side of the veil feel and are trying to share with us in our times of need. We just need to learn how to recognize it and let all of that pure love rush in and cocoon us. And when we are ready, that love will energize us to take that next step that seems so impossible to take, to start/continue the healing process.

Love and Peace be with you all on your individual journeys. My Heart and Love is always with you whether you know it or not.

Saturday School STINKS!!

Whether it's for driving school, High School, Hair School or whatever, Saturday School well and TRULY STINKS! (And yes, I have gone to Saturday driving school ;)

I usually go to school from Mon-Fri! But I decided that I needed more hours to try and graduate from Hair School earlier. Late October instead of mid-November. So, I am subbing for a girl who goes to school Tues-Sat. to try and get to my 2000 hours FASTER!

I have REALIZED that I can NO LONGER be at school on Saturdays. My Saturdays are like GOLD to me! I miss being with my family on the one day of the weekend that we can go shopping, or to a family movie, or something that requires spending money without feeling a little guilty about it:) Sundays are rarely a day of rest. It's usually the my last ditch effort day to try to organize/clean the house to prepare for the up-coming week. I know that I am supposed to try and do that on Saturday, but the reality is IT DOESN'T HAPPEN! And even with that, Sunday isn't quite working out as well I had hoped. The house is still in need of some TLC:{

So, I have realized that a day of rest from school responsibility is definitely not enough for me!! I need 2 days of REST and time RECLAIM my house from pending chores:)

Anyway, this'll probably be the last Saturday in a LONG LONG LONG time that I'll be at school! Because, as we all know... SATURDAY SCHOOL STINKS!

Oh...Sweet Sleep!

How I love thee, let me count the ways!

YES...SLEEP and I have had a very close relationship all of my life! I have always needed a nap and have always been happier when running on a full 8 hr. + good night's rest. As I have gotten older, life has given me more responsibility and independence. Yet, those 2 things have gotten in the way of my necessary sleeping patterns. I wish there were more opportunities to catch up with my good friend, sleep:)

Well, today was one of those WONDERFUL DAYS!!! YAY!! :D I didn't sleep in, but I was able to take a long, very restful morning nap. Followed by some chill family activities. Ending it with the family watching a movie.

GOOD IDEA : Movie night with the family.

BAD IDEA : Watching 2012 (END of the WORLD kind of stuff) with the girls before bed!

So, needless to say our little Caydi girl is really concerned about the end of the world, now. So, Joseph and I will have some explaining to do tomorrow! :) And we'll probably wake up with the whole family in bed! As for the movie, it was...eh. I have a different idea of how it's all going to go down in 2012. But, it did help me think about my emergency preparedness and food storage again!

But for now, I am so grateful for the beautiful cool evenings with the really lovely warm days, enjoying this lovely time with my family and friends, peaceful living, breathing easily through both nostrils, and yes, being able to visit with my good friend sleep for another day :)

I LOVE 3 DAY WEEKENDS!! 2 more days of lovely, much needed rest! YAY!!

Running on Empty

Do you ever feel empty and all alone? Like, life is going on all around you and somehow you can't really feel the happy emotions that you used to come so easily. The satisfying and wonderful feeling of warmth, love, and most of all feeling truly present and enjoying the simple joys of life. Well today, I felt empty. Like a robot. Being so responsible sometimes tends to do that to me. I am so worried about making sure things are getting done and moving along that I forget to just relax, and enjoy life. It's something that I have been dealing with all of my life.

Well, I was driving home from school today listening to the Romeo and Juliet soundtrack CD that was in my car (Yes, Eileen it's yours! I'll give it back to you soon;) and felt an instant disconnect from my present life. It totally shot me back to my time as a teenager, when I had first listened to this CD. The younger Gairyn's feelings of insecurity, chaos, and lack of control that I felt at that time, quickly flooded my mind. Followed by the memory of feelings of hope for what my future life would be and the GREAT things I would be able to accomplish once I WAS IN CONTROL of MY OWN LIFE!

There are periods of my life where I distinctly remember feeling very hollow and all alone. As I think back, I don't really have many happy memories during those periods. I may have a couple key moments that stick out, but not really any sincerely sweet tender memories. I just see myself and have flashbacks of things I did, but no warm, comforting feelings are connected. Just feeling blank, or slightly odd. I remember learning at school and going to church but, feeling like an outsider, observing human behavior, but never really feeling included or that I could or wanted to participate. My younger days were not always like this. Like I said before there were periods lasting anywhere to 2 months - 1 year at a time. I refer to them as my "Dark Ages".

Do you remember that hope? I remember it! As a child, teenager, Young Adult I was able to get myself out of difficult times by hoping for a better future! Imagining all of the endless pleasant possibilities. DREAMING of life in the lime light! OR dreaming of the simple life! Dreaming. Always, dreaming and hoping for happier and sunnier times! In between the planning and daydreaming, I enjoyed life and prepared for my future accordingly. And life, although not always happy, was DEFINITELY ALWAYS EXCITING!! I was EXCITED for the world to be my oyster. And I could NOT wait for my future to begin!

Now, here, in my future it IS happier and sunnier than my youth in many ways, yet I find that I have times in my life where I space out, disconnect, and am not at all present with those around me. Like I am an observer, again. I know I should be more present with my girls and that every embrace should have happiness and warmth attached to it. But, today I felt like a steely, cold, emotionless robot. Going through the traditional motions yet not feeling any warm connections. Always analyzing/critiquing every situation, either in my head or out loud. Trying to stay patient and awake was even a chore. Wanting to share my day, and asking my family about theirs, but zoning out even before they could begin answer. Getting into my own thoughts of what needed to be done before going to bed. I have done most everything that I had planned to do, chore wise. But as I lay my head on my pillow to begin to relax for a good night's sleep, all I could feel was emptiness and loneliness. Yesterday was a good day. Why was today so different? Why so empty when there are so many blessings abundantly around me?

So here I am, sharing these feelings and thoughts with you all in my Not-So-Secret-Journal-Entry. I feel better for getting these feelings off of my chest. And I see that my life is still filled with so many chores, that I am starting to bore, even myself. I should really try to go out to dance, karaoke, play volleyball or something that's fun, to avoid from feeling like this.

Now, the problem is trying to fit that in to an already tight schedule! Thinking about that exhausts me. I'll try to wrap my head around that tomorrow. If I get the chance...ugh...I hate day light savings when we lose an hour :( I STILL haven't recovered from it.