Well, I was driving home from school today listening to the Romeo and Juliet soundtrack CD that was in my car (Yes, Eileen it's yours! I'll give it back to you soon;) and felt an instant disconnect from my present life. It totally shot me back to my time as a teenager, when I had first listened to this CD. The younger Gairyn's feelings of insecurity, chaos, and lack of control that I felt at that time, quickly flooded my mind. Followed by the memory of feelings of hope for what my future life would be and the GREAT things I would be able to accomplish once I WAS IN CONTROL of MY OWN LIFE!
There are periods of my life where I distinctly remember feeling very hollow and all alone. As I think back, I don't really have many happy memories during those periods. I may have a couple key moments that stick out, but not really any sincerely sweet tender memories. I just see myself and have flashbacks of things I did, but no warm, comforting feelings are connected. Just feeling blank, or slightly odd. I remember learning at school and going to church but, feeling like an outsider, observing human behavior, but never really feeling included or that I could or wanted to participate. My younger days were not always like this. Like I said before there were periods lasting anywhere to 2 months - 1 year at a time. I refer to them as my "Dark Ages".
Do you remember that hope? I remember it! As a child, teenager, Young Adult I was able to get myself out of difficult times by hoping for a better future! Imagining all of the endless pleasant possibilities. DREAMING of life in the lime light! OR dreaming of the simple life! Dreaming. Always, dreaming and hoping for happier and sunnier times! In between the planning and daydreaming, I enjoyed life and prepared for my future accordingly. And life, although not always happy, was DEFINITELY ALWAYS EXCITING!! I was EXCITED for the world to be my oyster. And I could NOT wait for my future to begin!
Now, here, in my future it IS happier and sunnier than my youth in many ways, yet I find that I have times in my life where I space out, disconnect, and am not at all present with those around me. Like I am an observer, again. I know I should be more present with my girls and that every embrace should have happiness and warmth attached to it. But, today I felt like a steely, cold, emotionless robot. Going through the traditional motions yet not feeling any warm connections. Always analyzing/critiquing every situation, either in my head or out loud. Trying to stay patient and awake was even a chore. Wanting to share my day, and asking my family about theirs, but zoning out even before they could begin answer. Getting into my own thoughts of what needed to be done before going to bed. I have done most everything that I had planned to do, chore wise. But as I lay my head on my pillow to begin to relax for a good night's sleep, all I could feel was emptiness and loneliness. Yesterday was a good day. Why was today so different? Why so empty when there are so many blessings abundantly around me?
So here I am, sharing these feelings and thoughts with you all in my Not-So-Secret-Journal-Entry. I feel better for getting these feelings off of my chest. And I see that my life is still filled with so many chores, that I am starting to bore, even myself. I should really try to go out to dance, karaoke, play volleyball or something that's fun, to avoid from feeling like this.
Now, the problem is trying to fit that in to an already tight schedule! Thinking about that exhausts me. I'll try to wrap my head around that tomorrow. If I get the chance...ugh...I hate day light savings when we lose an hour :( I STILL haven't recovered from it.
I'm sorry you had such a rough day. I understand your feelings. I won't pretend to give advice, I don't always appreciate unsolicited advise. All I can say, for me, I have to make MY own list of priorites. Make sure I make time for the things that bring me happiness. In the larger scheme of things chores are not always so important that they need to monopolize all my time. What I choose may not always appeal to others, or be what others would choose for me, but that's why it's my life, my choices.
ReplyDeleteI'm surprised to hear that you struggle this way. You're always such a ray of sunshine when you're around us. My children appreciate the way you talk to them and treat them and they comment on it when you go. I hope it brings you some happiness to know that you give it to others.
Having shared a childhood with you, I know exactly what you mean by feeling disconnected to your memories, sometimes. Not all the time, but HUGE gaps where you can barely even remember what happened, let alone any FEELING attached. But you're so right in acknowledging that now you have control of your life, to a degree, where you had none before. When you're used to living your life a certain way, even when things change for the better or what you'd hoped, it can still be hard for the mind to adjust. When I feel myself disconnecting from my life now I force myself to remember that I'm not going to be here very long, in this moment. My kids won't be this age for very long, I won't be in THIS EXACT moment for very long-- whether that's a good thing or a bad thing-- and it does help me to snap back into reality. It's so hard to break daydreaming habits, 1) because they are soooo danged fun and 2) because it's a natural and easy default for us. Make a new default. I'm not saying you won't have off or odd days, I am just passing what helps me, sometimes. When it doesn't help, call me and we'll go for an impromptu sister date. Heaven knows I call you for the same when I can't snap out of things! :)
ReplyDeleteI love you, Sis. I'm so happy we get to live our lives in each other's lives.